Saturday, June 21, 2008

My Id Is Showing

I went out last night with my friend Rohit, who's always been a good shoulder. He was supposed to join us at the dinner/drinks that I brought to a close by being Debbie Downer but was late so he just picked me up and we went to our usual bar, which happens to be the bar at which he introduced me to John. John and I dated last year and he dumped me on my birthday, begged to work it out and then dumped me again when Wonkette fired me. Great guy.

Naturally, John was there because it was obviously going to be that kind of night. But since I arrived a few glasses of wine to the better and, oh, I don't know, hung up on more important things, I didn't notice him despite the fact that he was sitting on the patio next to the door. So he came in and stood directly behind me until I did.

He wanted to talk, of course, to "catch up" for the length of his cigarette. He told us he was smoking inside so that his date wouldn't see,because it was important that I know he was on a daaaate. I was like, yeah, my grandmother is dying. He took another drag, too confused by my non-caring about his date to speak momentarily. Rohit tried not to laugh.

He told me that his sick brother -- the ostensible reason that he didn't have time to date me -- was in the hospital and had been for a few days. I said, well, then, I guess that's why you have time to go out on a date, so that's good. He leaned into and over me to put his cigarette out in the ashtray behind me. He said, I felt like the last time we spoke it didn't end well. I said, it didn't, but that's fine. I wasn't even trying to be a cunt, but between having more important emotional crises and actually not caring anymore, I just said the first things to come into my head.

He went back outside to talk to his date. Rohit watched her yawn. I took phone calls about my grandmother from my sister and my cousin, outside on the street where I could hear and not be trying not to cry in a bar, walking by John and his date without even noticing that they were there until Rohit and I left. The bouncer hugged me as we were leaving, a big hug of the type you give an upset girl, while John watched and his date looked puzzled as to why he'd stopped paying attention to her. It's weird how you never notice that you don't give a shit until long after you do.

18 comments:

ManchuCandidate said...

My sympathies.

rptrcub said...

Don't worry about feeling like the c-word. You are allowed to be blunt when you're in a situation like this (as well as any other time). I'm sorry that you're going through this right now, dear, and know that we're all thinking about you.

Cynica said...

Megan, I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I will be thinking of you and your family. Take care.

SanFranLefty said...

Oh honey. I wish I could give you another one of those big hugs like I did when you were out here. Sending up karma wishes to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
((((((((Megan)))))))

baked said...

megan, your grandmother is in my payers. and you.
hang in there wonder woman.

JNOV said...

Oh, Sweet Darling! I hope you can feel the love. (((((Megan)))))

Michelle said...

Hey there, sweetheart! My grandmother passed 2 Decembers ago, and coupled with her Alzheimer's, I can feel your pain. Both she and you are in my meager prayers.
Your trashtastic friend,

redmanlaw said...

Hey, chica -

You always have our love and support. Whose parent is your granny? They need your love and strength now, too.

BeRightBack said...

Oh, Megan. I'm thinking about you. I'm currently having very similar phone calls with my own mother, so at the very least I can sympathize. Take care. You're awesome, don't forget.

Kittenplan said...

Megan, I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts. Sending you love from SF.

Ewalda said...

Megan, Take care of yourself. There aren't any shortcuts for some things, you just have to ride them out. We'll all be here, thinking loving thoughts.

Nabisco said...

Megan, sorry about your grandmum. Mine passed 2 years ago at the respectable age of 107, but it still was crushing for the four generations she left behind.

Oh, and good on ya with managing the Encounter amidst all the shit. Sounds like a schmuck.

Raging Monk said...

Megan, sorry to hear about your grandmother's illness. And once again, the evils of dating raise their ugly heads. What timing.

Prayers and love to you. You are sorely missed.

Promnight said...

Megan, you are never alone, not in losing a loved one, not in the painful path of love, you are never alone, understand? We all have been there and we all will be there again and know exactly what you are feeling and feel for you. Remember, this too shall pass. And one day, truly, when you don't want it and least expect it, one day suddenly you will realize that someone you might have known, or might just have met, you will realize, "hey, this is the love of my life." It will happen. I don't know anyone who missed out, not a soul. And then you'll have to get married and settle down and stare at this person every morning across the breakfast table for the rest of your life, so enjoy yourself now, before you get tied down with that golden chain.

WonkRefugee said...

Pumpkin. This too will pass. Much love to you and those you love.

Tommmcatt said...

Ah, I wish I were more of a comforting person. In my family, anything short of decapitation is dealt with by the incantation "It's not gonna kill ya". Not the most comforting thing in the world, I know.

Not to be a smartass, but it's not gonna kill ya. Shit like this feels like it (particularly the Grandmother part), but it won't. It will hurt, and it will always hurt just this much, but that hurt is going to become a part of you, and you will get used to it. That's as encouraging as I can be...and I know, it was unasked for encouragement anyway.

I think you are awesome, and I wish you didn't have to have any rough times even though that is impossible.

Stay sane, Ok?

All my love,

TC

brilliant said...

Aw, man. My deepest sympathies. Would it be weird to say I'm proud of you? Cuz I am. Not everyone can acknowledge and 'feel' their grief as its happening. Those people repress until it pops out at inappropriate times/places. Or never and then they be fucked.

So go for it. To paraphrase Leslie Gore, it's your grandma and you cry if you want to.

((cyberhugs from AZ))

Miss Expatria said...

You are so full of awesome for being blunt to him (as well as several hundred other reasons). What a douche. Your grandmother is in my prayers!