Thursday, July 3, 2008

Conversations

me: it just sucks, like, part of me wants to pretend that, like, a year ago g. would've been here, you know?
and yet i know intellectually that i would've been as alone as i am now
P: Oh definitely. These are those times when you REALLY wish you had someone.
me: and i'm forcible reminding myself that the someone i had i didn't really
P: It's so easy to slip into the mindset where you're romanticizing the past.
me: watching my grandfather with my grandma... it was like, i was struggling not to cry and not because it was sad to see but because i knew i wasn't ever gonna have that
P: Have that kind of love?
me: yeah, i guess. have that kind of security. have that kind of certitude.
have someone that looks at me at 81 and sees the 19 year old me and doesn't see the difference really
PPG: I know what you mean. I feel that way, too sometimes.
me: i guess everyone does
or, like, worse, i had it and fucked it up somehow
P: From everything you've told me, G. fucked it up. Big time.
me: yeah, but i stayed for a long time
P: Yeah, you tried to make it work.
me: but i also tried to make myself into someone who could?
P: But that wasn't you and you weren't happy. That isn't your fault.
me: I know, but before g. there was r. and before r. there was m. and before m. there was t. and on and on and on
and at some point, you have to stop and say, maybe it's not them.
P: Well you're right that self-examination is important. But it very well could be them or you not choosing the right dudes.
me: i think the evidence shows it's me
P: Well, if it is you, that's something you have relative control over.
me: one would think, only, i keep dating the fucked up ones
i should not be able to impress my gay friends with the depths of my fuckedupness
P: Because I will never believe there is something innately wrong with you that makes you unfit for that kind of love.
Goddammit, you're fucking awesome.
me: i should be a lesbian! all my gay friends and my girl friends think i rock
P: If I hadn't already promised myself to Stacy, I'd go lezzie for you.
me: i don't think it's innate, i just think, like, it probably represents a kind of compromise i'm incapable of making
P: I just think that if you want something badly enough and it's right, you'll find a way to compromise.
me: it was funny, my mom and i were driving around on monday night looking for some fucking place to get some dinner at 9:00
and she was talking about how she told my sister not to go to chicago for her roommate or to stay there for her bf
and on and on
and it's like... wow, this is why
this is my entire childhood in this moment
i was indoctrinated not to compromise and, to a degree, not to respect someone who would
i need a freudian therapist
P: Haha
I love my shrink if you want a rec! :)
me: moe and i, the other day, were arguing about freudian theory
and i was like IF HE'S NOT RIGHT THERE IS NO GOOD EXPLANATION FOR THE KIND OF FUCKED UP I AM
that didn't make it into a post
P: Hahaha ohhh

5 comments:

rptrcub said...

It's like Bowie's Modern Love is playing in my mind.

I've learned not to expect romantic/life partner love (if it happens, I won't object). What I need now are just platonic friends who can hug me and hold me when I'm down. That kind of love is the sweetest of all to me.

It is touching, though, to see people who have lived long with each other, and still love each other after all these years. Both sets of my grandparents have that -- even as much as they drove each other crazy.

Cynica said...

I gotta say, the shrink who helped me most was a male Freudian therapist (complete with the requisite beard). All the Jungian women I saw for years never gave me the kick in the ass I needed.
I took me until my 40s (and about 15 years of therapy) to find love, and to accept that compromise can be OK, if there is give and take on both sides, and neither partner tries to fundamentally change who the other person is. Hang in there.

ManchuCandidate said...

We live in a different era than our elders did. Both men and women have more options than they did back when.

Don't beat yourself up too bad. This might come as a shock, but we males can be insensitive assholes and pigs (and I include myself.) Sometimes (often times?) we're not worth crying over.

Pain isn't easy to let go, my friend but you're going to have to. If you let this bore deep into your psyche then it becomes harder and harder to get over things (BTDT.) But I'm not trying to go all Spock on you and tell you to forget it. It's okay to feel bad and miserable (part of the process) but there is that moment when you have let it go (I don't know when that moment will happen because I don't know enough about your situation, but you will know.)

However, if you can separate the emotions from it (way easier said than done) and take stock of things you did right and wrong then you can move on.

You can't worry about missing out. We all have moments where we missed out, never to come back. Sad, but that is life. You can't undo what was done and trust me, if I had the means to go back in time, I would have done so.

The best thing you can do is live well.

Sorry if it sounds all pop psychology.

T.Bob said...

That's a beautiful self-portrait pic. Very nice, very naked.

ManchuCandidate said...

Megan,

Just read your article on Jez as per linked by SFL.

Forget what I said. Meaningless words. Hope that shithead burns.