Sunday, January 4, 2009

Eep

I have a twofold problem. One is that I often think uncharitable thoughts about people and am easily annoyed or pissed off. This would, of course, be less of a problem if I could let things go and/or had a filter between my brain and my mouth.

Actually, this might be a four-fold problem. Maybe 5.

Knowing that I have a tendency to get annoyed easily, be uncharitable and let my mouth run, I have made a concerted effort for the sake of having friendships and relationships and decent family ties to try to recognize when I am doing this and stop myself. Unfortunately, as with everything else, I tend to go overboard and instead of giving vent to legitimate feelings of anger, annoyance or disappointment, I tend to just try to keep my mouth shut until I have found the perfect thing to say that expresses the anger, disappointment or annoyance without giving rise to a discussion/argument that has the potential to end the friendship. Often, this means I do not say anything until my annoyance or anger boils up and busts its way out of my mouth in the least charitable, most embarrassing (to the other person) and bitchiest way possible.

This tends to happen when I am either ragingly hormonal or black-out drunk (because, if I haven't blacked out yet, I still probably know better). I have done this twice in the last year, apparently (not that I remember), including once this holiday season. In the last case, rather than expressing to my friend that his behavior last year was inappropriate, cruel and unwarranted, I bit my tongue for 6 months, published an account of his behavior on the internet, got piss-drunk and repeated that account of his behavior with more details to another guy in front of him. I am guessing, having only heard pieces of this particular story of my life of which I have little recall, that the account of said behavior was accompanied by "And now he wants to sleep with me again," which, while cold, is the thought I have sober when hearing what I said drunk, so I probably said it drunk.

I feel like, as with the last time I did something similar, had I been less concerned with keeping the friendship and more concerned with having an honest conversation that his behavior was dickish, I probably would have been less of a cunt. But I feel like, having been just beaten down emotionally so much the past couple of years, I have begun to just accept that people will treat me like shit, and so, when they do, I'm a little too numb (when sober) to be that upset about it anymore. But, apparently, I'm just sublimating things for the sake of keeping the peace rather than really not being upset about them in the first place. And then, when I add alcohol, the little dams I build inside my head start to spring leaks and out gushes everything that I've been thinking about incidents I could've sworn didn't really hurt my feelings, only with more profanity, less grace and more emphasis on reciprocity.

So.

I either need to start telling people off sober, or stop getting drunk with people that I haven't yet told off. As a corollary, I probably need to stop being such a masochist about the people I allow into my life. So maybe that's my resolution for the year. That and read more books.

1 comment:

Ryan said...

So, in order to be emotionally healthy you need to be constantly on the verge of blood alcohol poisoning? Ouch.

I find, that for my own sanity that it's best to have someone to kvetch over upsetting things with (especially if I'm about to fly off the handle if I deal with the problem right away). Someone you can trust to say reasonable things like, "At least it's a writing gig." This is why my no account, smelly hobo deadbeat older brother hasn't been murdered.