Tuesday, March 31, 2009

To the trolls

[Apologies to regular readers/commenters for the gratuitous profanity, but sometimes you gotta talk to the trolls in troll-speak, and this is all they apparently understand.]
Hey, fuckface! Yeah, you over there using your thumb and index finger to feverishly stroke your nipple-sized dick while typing number-filled rape jokes one-handed! Yeah, I see you, cocksucker, desperately trying to get your head low enough to lap the viscous, foul-tasting jizz off the underside of your desk while refreshing the comment threads in order to get your third nipple erect again.

I know you think you're sooooo smart, that the deity of your small brain's choosing gifted you with some enormous intellect to make up for the joke between your legs that science calls a penis and women call "Wow, is that really it?" while reaching for their clothes, but the sad truth, motherfucker, is that there is no God, life is a joke crueler than even your Ken doll wang is to a woman drunk enough to go home with you and, in all truth, you got neither the intellect you think you have nor the capacity to please either a woman or a man sexually. Anonymous rape jokes in comment threads on my site are actually a sign that you can't play big boy snark games with the grown-ups at your favorite alternative blog, and sticking numbers in words like you wish you could stick your nubbin in a real lady's vagina instead of that plastic one your mom got you after she caught you diddling the cat doesn't mean you outsmarted anything but a computer program and the man that founded your favorite blog (who designed the program in the first place).

Oh, and just because you have a really large clitoris that your family doctor deigned to call a penis lo those many years ago doesn't mean that I can't be grosser, crueler and actually funny all at the same time. And I have the balls to put it under my own name, unlike you. You don't even have the testicular fortitude to say that shit under your "real" fake name, you gotta make up a sock puppet so that your own blog's overlords won't know that you're really spectacularly unfunny and a gross human being and keep you from your little Internet friends. I mean, I guess it's no wonder, what with you getting the majority of your body's sustenance from your own nasty jizz, Budweiser, Smart Food and your mom's yeast-infected pussy, that you don't have the guts to put it out there under your own name -- yours obviously rotted away years ago, like your supposed sense of humor.

Well, guess what, spunk-licker? Ever heard of an IP address? Oh, we have.


Nefarious Newt said...

The only thing that post lacks is a picture of the poor, pathetic, shrunken-nutsacks' house enveloped in a mushroom cloud. Well done, Megan.

rptrcub said...

nippledick. I'll have to add that one into my dictionary.

Bowleserised said...